Why You Keep Chasing the Version You Met at the Beginning

Published by Esteban Devereaux
May 11, 2026 at 4:43 PM MT
Last Updated: May 11, 2026
Estimated Reading Time: 8 minutes

“The most powerful person in the relationship may be the one who never truly existed.”

One of the most painful aspects of narcissistic relationships is the persistent belief that the person you fell in love with is still in there somewhere.

You remember:

• The chemistry

• The affection

• The vulnerability

• The shared dreams

• The feeling of being uniquely understood

And you keep trying to get that version of them back.

This article explains why that impulse is so strong.

The Power of the First Impression

The beginning of the relationship often feels extraordinary.

You may feel:

• Chosen

• Seen

• Desired

• Deeply connected

The experience is so emotionally intense that it becomes the benchmark against which every later interaction is measured.

The Promise Embedded in Idealization

During idealization, the narcissist presents a highly compelling version of themselves.

They appear:

• Loving

• Ambitious

• Vulnerable

• Exceptionally compatible

You conclude:

“This is who they really are.”

When their behavior later changes, you assume the original version is the authentic one.

Hope as an Organizing Principle

You tell yourself:

• “He’s under stress.”

• “He’s dealing with trauma.”

• “Once he gets stable, the real him will return.”

Hope keeps you focused on potential rather than current behavior.

Intermittent Reinforcement Revives the Fantasy

Even after periods of mistreatment, the narcissist may briefly return to the charming version you first met.

Those moments seem to confirm:

“He’s still in there.”

The occasional reappearance of the idealized version strengthens your attachment.

The Sunk Cost Effect

By the time the relationship deteriorates, you may have invested:

• Time

• Money

• Emotional energy

• Shared plans

• Social capital

Walking away feels like abandoning both the relationship and your investment.

Trauma Bonding

The nervous system becomes conditioned to seek relief from the very person causing the distress.

The return of the “good” version provides powerful emotional reward.

You begin chasing that reward.

A Real-World Example

Imagine meeting someone who:

• Feels magnetic and unusually compatible

• Accepts your support

• Talks about your shared future

• Participates in your plans

• Secretly prepares to leave

After the discard, you continue replaying the beginning and wondering how someone who felt so genuine could become so cold.

The answer may be that the early presentation was more strategic than stable.

What I Am Really Doing

From the narcissist’s perspective:

• I create a compelling initial experience.

• I give you a vision of who I could be.

• I reintroduce that version periodically.

• I keep you hoping it will become permanent.

As long as you believe the original version is recoverable, you are likely to stay engaged.

The Hard Truth

The beginning may have contained real emotions.

But it was not necessarily a reliable indicator of how the relationship would function over time.

The most accurate measure of a partner is not how they behave when trying to win you over.

It is how they behave once they have your commitment.

Why This Feels Like Grief

When the relationship ends, you are grieving:

• The person you thought they were

• The future you imagined

• The hope that things would improve

This grief is genuine, even if the relationship was unsustainable.

The Turning Point

Healing begins when you stop asking:

“How do I get the old version back?”

And start asking:

“Which version was consistent?”

Consistency reveals character.

Final Thoughts

You keep chasing the version you met at the beginning because that version was emotionally unforgettable.

It represented possibility, connection, and hope.

But a relationship must be judged by sustained behavior, not by its most intoxicating moments.

Once you accept that the beginning may have been a carefully curated performance, you can begin grieving what you hoped for and making decisions based on reality.

Recommended Articles

• Idealization / Love Bombing

• How Narcissists Weaponize Hope

• Why Intermittent Reinforcement Is So Addictive

• Healing & Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse

• What Is Narcissistic Supply?

You are in a psychological war, and you don’t know it.

Let the games begin.